Joseph Rocha is a BRILLIANT stand-up comic/improver/writer who is by far my most favoritist vm leaving friend. What you need to know is that he is a hilarious Nicaraguan male (he’s going to laugh that I wrote that, but it’s so much more descriptive than ‘Latino male’), and he loves to leave me messages pretending to be a sexy black man…”cause I know how you loves the black men.” This is the latest installment. To say that these make my day is grossly insufficient. These messages keep me sane and prevent me from harming others. Listen here: Covered in chocolate pudding
A ref from the gov ain't worth shit to this bushYou’ve worked your ass off for years to be one of the top legal minds in the country. You’re the Solicitor General and now the first black President of the United States of America has nominated you to the Supreme Court, and what does everyone want to know? “…yeah, yeah, yeah, but is she GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?” What do you do? Do you get upset? Do you run to the White House briefing room? No…you get your old pal Eliott “Took Down Wall Street & Got Torn Up By A Hooker” Spitzer, the former Governor of NY to write you a letter of recommendation! That’s one damn fine character reference if ever there was one. AND I QUOTE: “…former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, who knew Kagan during her undergrad days at Princeton, emailed Smith [the Politico reporter] to note helpfully that “I did not go out with her, but other guys did.” Well there you have it. Ms. Kagan is definitely not a lesbian, but now we can start exciting new rumors that she’s a whore. Thanks Eliot!
This fascinates me. This guy got paid to go around the world and video himself doing his favorite ridiculous dance with various groups of people. Here he is with the Huli Wigmen in Papua, New Guinea. This cracks me up, mostly because of the lack of spontanaiety of the moment and all the cooks in the choreography pot.
I was going to a Russian dentist in New York City for awhile when I lived there and I must’ve had some bizarre outgoing message because it made the receptionist laugh. She has a thick accent that is very sing-songy which made me laugh. I guess I was late for an appointment and they were worried I was a no-show. Dr. Zimmelman’s office
I love my friend Matthew because he never leaves a normal message. Actually, none of my friends do, but Matt goes the extra mile and really role plays. Here is a vm I got from him pretending to be a phone company salesman.——Click to hear Matt
READ THIS BEFORE YOU LOOK AT THE PIC BELOW!!!!
Here’s what you need to know. Every week or two weeks, I call my older sister and make her kids talk to me. My nephew, Connor, is 9 years old, my niece, Hailey, is 6 and they live way up north. Living so far away, I miss them dearly, so the rule is they have to say at least two sentences to Aunty Amy when I call. Usually this is done against their will. I don’t care. I loved my Grandparents, but I never wanted to talk to them when they called every Sunday night at 8 pm. I always did because I had no choice in the matter, but even then, I knew it was for the greater good.
So, I called the kids this past Sunday night. Hailey had just gotten out of the shower, her hair was all slicked and she was in her fresh pj’s playing backgammon with her Mommy (my sister Julie). She was in NO MOOD for Aunty Amy’s shenanigans and huffed on the phone to let me know as much. “[Huge huff of air...pause...pause, then major put upon tone in her voice]…Hi Aunty Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…” Julie prompted her to tell me about the report on China she was doing for her class and so she began explaining the finer points of Chinese society. “Um…they have a big wall, and um, Mommy and I had Chinese food the other day.” I pretended not to know about the Great Wall and that annoyed her to no end. I have a feeling it was at that moment that Julie took this picture of my niece, talking to me on the phone.
Ok, now look.
AIRLINE OPERATOR: “What is your boss’s name please?” ME: “That would be Gross.” AO: “Excuse me, ma’am?” ME: “GROSS…G.R.O.S.S…as in ‘DISGUSTING’…” CO-WORKER: “AMY!!!!!!!!!!”
I say, if you want to have a credible press conference to clear the air about your sex scandal, you don’t do it in a pantry with only your Mom, some drinking buds and two token reporters from the local pennysaver in attendance…AND, if you’re wanting to heal from a sex addiction you don’t go to a locale that harkens back to the movie DELIVERANCE. Go to Lourdes. Go to Nepal – somewhere known for their spirituality. GD Mississippi?
When your Bikram teacher is espousing the “beauty of the tools we are given in yoga practice” while you are struggling in the pose and your response in your head is “FUCK TOOLS!”…your practice isn’t as strong as you think.